Lunching on the "Double Deuce" burger at Tommy's Grill is an experience with a lot of upside and not much of the opposite. But if there's a downside - it's the farts. Those two patties and the side order of fries pack a lot of grease and, for me at least, greasy equals good, but greasy also equals farts. The greasy food produces a reaction in my system that is kinda like the well-known "silent but deadly" category of fart, except that, in place of the word "silent," substitute "foghorn." This makes for an awkward afternoon at work. So, what to do. Here are a couple of solutions ranked from most to least effective for dealing with loud, stinky, problem farting for today's office-dwelling professional.
1. (Most effective.) Go home. Open all the windows. Go to bed for the afternoon.
2. (Temporarily effective.) Go to the bathroom, sit on the toilet, and fart to your heart's content. This is a phenomenom I will never understand. Where I work, my personal office is my domain. The restroom, on the other hand, is a place of public resort, which I share with all of my coworkers of like gender. Yet, I can befoul this place of public resort with the most ear-piercing of trumpet blasts followed by smells that will curl your nose hairs, and my coworker standing at the sink would never dream of making mention of the show I just put on while he was trying to dab a coffee stain off his tie. But if I do the same thing in my office - my domain, remember - as sure as the sun rises in the East, my neighbor in the next office will poke his head in my door and suggest "Dude, why don't you go take a dump?" Regardless of the reasons, if you've got to blow some excess pressure out the old spider button, the best place to do it is in a stall. The problem, of course, is that, unless you've got an afternoon's worth of work that you can accomplish while sitting with your pants around your ankles in a sparsely furnished, 2'x3' tin box, this is only a temporary solution to what is going to be an hours long problem.
3. (Not half bad.) One of the immutable laws of nature is that, if you close your door and let loose a real stink bomb, within the next 30 seconds, a coworker will walk into your office with some urgent matter that absolutely requires that she (it's always a female) sidle right on up next to you so you can both read a document together. Then, after the first inhale, all of the urgency will depart the coworker's voice, the coworker will suddenly lose all interest in the matter at hand and, instead, become very interested in something else that requires her to be anywhere but standing next to you in your office. As she makes her excuses and leaves, she will forget all about the until-recently-urgent document, leaving you holding it, humiliated, desperately pretending to be so engrossed in whatever is on the sheet of paper that you don't notice her stumbling, half-conscious toward the sweet, fresh air on the other side of your office door. Listen to me and listen good: Do not, under any circumstances, close your office door to break wind. If you want to gamble, go to a casino. Unless you want to hear everyone in the breakroom tittering every time you walk in there for the next six months, do not do this.
The good news is, there's a variation on the above that actually has a pretty good success rate. Before you close your door for a toot-toot, hang a sign on your door that reads in large, bold letters: "CONFERENCE CALL. DO NOT DISTURB." Then, even if someone does walk in, you can start talking into the speaker on your phone urgently while waving them away. Studies have shown that this works with about 90% of coworkers and the other 10% are such jerks, who cares if they receive a shot to the olfactories capable of stunning a young moose.
4. (Don't do this ever.) The covering cough. Here's the situation. You've really gotta let one fly, but there are people within earshot, so you figure you'll just fake a tickle in your throat to distract them from what is the most recognizable sound in the world coming from your other end. So, so lame. Here's a couple problems. First, just because you're coughing doesn't mean they can't hear your farts. They can, dumb ass! Instead, you just sound like a popcorn machine with a cold. Don't bother coughing louder, either. The louder the cough, the louder the fart. It's a biological rule. Another biological rule is that the farting and coughing always happens in perfect synchronization. Three coughs? Three toots. Now you sound like you rehearsed this disgusting little act. Don't be surprised if your coworkers break into sarcastic applause.
5. (This should get you fired.) The phrase "excuse me" is for burps or for when you bump into someone. Not for farts. Everyone gets caught by surprise every now and then. Either make a joke about it or ignore it, but don't frickin excuse yourself. Once you have interrupted your boss mid-sentence with the sound of digestive gases escaping your anus, you have lost the moral authority to excuse yourself. Don't do it.
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